What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 00:47
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We were not on the streets..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why am I sweating so much when I try to do anything?
I was seconnd youngest,
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Who then, do I blame.?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Why am I so tired of the keto diet?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was very sick at this time too.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My life is so biszare .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Who is the most annoying character in the Office?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One cannot live in the past .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My ex moved on so fast. How can I overcome the pain?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Why does a college girl cover her face with a scarf in Bangalore?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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But, we were locked up after school.
But it wasn’t much.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And i lived it daily.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But ive been too sick for many years..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Are narcissists happy people generally?
So whats the point in blame.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why am I so tired of seeing homeless people all over the place?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Would this be the day?
I have no regrets .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As i do to all so called friends.?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was 9 years of age.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She married twice! .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So, i spoilt her more .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
It was going to be , some day.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Put me off passion for life!!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
What did i know ?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was in good health!
Especially a lifetime of it.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Was to survive, this bastard.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Ive learnt so much.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He knew the spot.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I think the readers, may guess!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Comes on , in middle age.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She loved him until the end.
All the time i was locked up.
I write beautiful poetry .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I don,t even have a pension.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She wouldn,t have been !
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We all went to grammer schools
She found it foreign!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I said to her
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was scared of men, in general
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I never cut or harmed myself..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
This is soul school!.
I will be 64.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
When she asked me how she looked .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I waited trembling.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Im still living with it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My family never makes their pension either.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!